See No Evil

What happens when you see each
other *gasp* before the ceremony?

By Chris Mader
Timothy Whaley & Associates
Photographic Artists

Once upon a time, in a fairy tale not so far away, seeing each other before the ceremony was considered bad luck. Pick your tale of why - groom imparting impure thoughts and thus, making the bride "unclean," couples in arranged marriages who didn't meet until the alter, lost dowries when grooms backed out of the marriage upon seeing an uncomely wife to be.

Today, about half of engaged couples take the "bad luck" tradition to heart and wait until walking down the aisle to see each other for the first time. What about the other half? Are they really unlucky? What is there to be gained by breaking tradition and seeing each other before you officially become husband and wife?

Remarkably, it seems that what is gained is a greater enjoyment of the wedding day. When you arrange to meet your fiancé prior to the wedding, it opens up the entire day, not just from the ceremony time on, to celebrate. You have the day to giggle together in anticipation, to appreciate each other for all the reasons you are about to marry, and to allow each of the three big moments of the day to unfold emotionally in their purest forms and at their own pace.

Big Moment #1: Seeing Each Other For the First Time.

There is nothing like that moment you realize, "today is the day!" The question is if you want that moment to happen privately, when your groom is more likely to allow himself to well with emotion, and when you can express uninhibited joy, or do you want to put your emotions in check and maintain your composure so you don't trip down the aisle or sob uncontrollably during your vows.

If your groom is not known to just cry openly, it's a good bet that no matter how overcome he is, his emotions, which can be shy creatures, will pay head to the 200 people watching, and will head inward as he develops a poker face to be envied by professionals. So many brides want the image of their groom seeing them for the first time, but if his feelings are heading into a vice-like grip held by the mandate, "Dude, DON'T CRY!", you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. It's not that he's not HAVING the feelings, or your photographer missed them, it's just that they've run away from showing themselves.

And then there's you. As you walk down the aisle, in your nervousness, you may be trying to reign in your own emotions as you focus on the long aisle, high heels, a beautiful gown that you don't walk in every day and are mindful of makeup that you likely will not have a chance to fix before starting family pictures.

Compare this pent-up emotion with, instead, having a moment captured, hours before the ceremony, of just the two of you alone. Fully dressed in your wedding day finest, you can meet as you walk towards one another in a private location, taking each other in and letting it sink in slowly that THIS day was created just for you and the love you share. There is nothing, and no one else you need to think about at that moment. You can share tears of joy and disbelief that the day is finally here, in private. And no one will rush you from the moment he hugs you fiercely to him and tells you how much he loves you, to move on to the next part of the day. Your photographer should be well versed in letting these moments happen without distraction while capturing them from a distance.

The secondary benefits to meeting beforehand are the pictures themselves. In addition to capturing what you were really feeling in the moment you saw each other for the first time, you can quickly touch up make-up if need be and then carry that early excitement throughout your portraits together. You can bring in the bridal party and family members, and you can have time to talk, and have fun and take pictures on your wedding day without being rushed.

And then there are the locations themselves. If there was a garden or a park or a city shot that you wanted to have, that a traditional timeline wouldn't allow for, you can have it by being together earlier in the day. Seeing each other for the first time pre-ceremony, gives you the ultimate picture-taking experience, capturing raw emotion and carrying excitement through portraits in the setting you always dreamed of. The morning can be spent in anticipation of that moment, and it is yours to have all to yourselves. Until of course, you come upon big moment # 2.

Big Moment #2: Getting MARRIED.

Some couples think that the break of nerves in seeing each other prior to the ceremony will somehow take away from the importance and the emotion of the ceremony itself. It's as if suddenly the whole day centers on seeing each other the first time, rather than on the actual commitment itself. Seeing each other for the first time and the ceremony itself are entirely separate moments in the day- even if they are only separated by the length of an aisle. You still have to GET married. The more time you have to deal with each big moment, the more you will remember your day and the more you will enjoy it. When these two big moments are so close together, couples balance the rush of emotion of seeing each other for the first time with the magnitude of the ceremony itself, which can result in being overwhelmed.

Without the blood rushing in your ears as you try to absorb EVERYTHING at once, you can listen with your heart and your mind to your ceremony, and allow it's meaning to wash over you as you live in the present moment.

From a photographic stand point, "the ice," as they say, has been broken, and photographers generally see MORE emotion from couples when they meet beforehand, not less. After all, the crack in the façade that happened earlier in the day, when you cried with joy, remains open just big enough for a few more of those shy emotions to peek out and show themselves. They are no longer afraid of being watched or overcome, and can come out to enjoy the official joining of your hearts and homes for a lifetime.

As you are kissed as the bride, declared husband and wife, and throw your joined hands in the air in happiness before walking back down the aisle, you are on your way to big moment number 3!

Big Moment #3: The Celebration!

This starts, unbeknownst to many couples, the second you're announced as husband and wife. THAT was the moment your parents, your friends, and the rest of the bridal party came for, and now they want to congratulate you and share their happiness with you. Now that the pressure is off, you will want to hug and kiss them back and share your joy. In a traditional timeline, timing after the ceremony and before the reception is tight. Often couples are split, trying to accept heart-felt congratulations while moving people out of the ceremony location, so they can focus on getting pictures in the time they have before dashing off to the reception. This multi-tasking of emotion is what leads couples to feel rushed and stressed on their wedding day. If you have already taken these pictures, then you are free to hug and kiss and offer your thanks for coming. You are free to flow with the day, while your photographer remains in the background; capturing it all while it happens.

Often times, if you get to your reception early enough, you can peek into your exquisitely planned room and share one last quiet moment together before the party gets started and the fun REALLY starts. Again, your photographer can be there to capture all the fun and craziness (and speeches and cake cutting) without interrupting a thing.

Your Own Decision

If you always dreamed of having the first time you see your husband to be as you come down the aisle, consider carefully what your expectations are of that moment; what do you think your expressions will reveal and how do you want to remember that moment in time? Then ask yourself what the best way is to obtain that. With 50% of couples in either camp, you'll find good company irregardless of the timeline you decide on. You have to be comfortable, preferably excited, about your decision, but remember that amazing photography does not come from being rushed.

Talk to your photographer personally, well before the wedding, as it will allow you to plan for the heart-felt photography you dream of. So many couples today are interested in photojournalism, wanting captured emotions, personalities and images that tell the story of the wedding day. They love that they can, by looking at an image 5 months of 50 years later, be instantly transported back to a time and place and feel again those unguarded moments that unfolded throughout their wedding day.

Your photographer only has one chance to encompass the romance, fun and excitement of your once-in-a-lifetime day. Make sure you provide the time that is needed to get the desired images you're dreaming of before your wedding day arrives.