Grateful Dread?

There’s no need to fear the thank-yous. Here’s the pain-free way to get the matrimonial missives in the mail

By Anna Sachse
CTW Features

With all the things couples must do to put on a wedding, having to write piles of thank-you cards after the fact can sometimes feel like insult added to injury.

But what newlyweds need to remember is that wedding gifts aren’t a requirement or “payment” for a guest’s cocktails and meal – they are a generous symbol of support for the future a couple has chosen for themselves.

In fact, as most people these days move out of their parents’ home and set up their own households years before they get married, wedding gifts have become far less of a necessity, and more a thoughtful tradition. Consequently, writing a simple note of appreciation should not just be a chore to satisfy a rule of etiquette, says Connie Leas, author of “The Art of Thank You: Crafting Notes of Gratitude” (Atria Books/Beyond Words, 2002). “Rather, for the bride and groom, a thank-you note should be a heartfelt expression of gratitude for the time, money and effort someone has expended on their behalf.”

It also doesn’t have to be difficult if you plan ahead. Follow these tips and writing your thank-you notes won’t be “insulting” to you or your guests.

What to Say

A well-crafted thank-you note doesn’t need to be terribly long, says Anna Post, etiquette expert and author of “Do I Have To Wear White?: Emily Post Answers America’s Top Wedding Questions” (Collins Living, 2009).

Begin by thanking the guest for the gift right away. Make sure you specifically state what the gift is; don’t refer to the item merely as “the gift,” says Leas. Next, without being overly gushy, include a couple specific remarks about the qualities or attributes of the gift or a few reasons you like it. Consider mentioning where it will go in the house or how you plan to use it – “The gravy boat will be perfect for our first Thanksgiving together” or “Your generous gift of $200 is helping us buy our first home.” If you’re still stumped about what to say, put the gift in front of you for inspiration. Don’t mention if you plan on returning it. “If you don’t actually like the gift, you can still say something like, ‘It was so thoughtful of you to send the vase; it’s on the table right now,’ which is all true,” says Post.

Close the note with a sentence that mentions something personal, ideally unrelated to the gift itself, such as “It meant so much to us that you traveled all the way across country for our celebration.” And although writing thank-you notes is really his job too, brides should know that it’s okay to sign for the groom e.g. “All our love, Jane and John.”

The note should be handwritten, either on formal stationery (good-quality white or ivory folded paper that includes a monogram or name on the front) or on ordinary decorated note cards, says Leas. The choice depends on the formality of your wedding and your own sensibilities – some couples might opt for a selection of mismatched vintage cards, while another may choose to put a photo from the wedding on the cover. However, do keep in mind that it isn’t appropriate to use monogrammed stationary until after the ceremony if it contains a bride’s new initials, adds Post.

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